LAUGH
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott AdamsI think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Fighting, fleeing, feeding and... mating.
Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? Dick Cavett mocking the TV-violence debate
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
Editor of the Limerick Times
(Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
("When cryptography is outlawed
only outlaws will have privacy")
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
- People are animals.
- The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
- Life is antagonistic to the living.
- The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
- The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
- The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
- We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
E. L. Doctorow, "The Book of Daniel"
This past week disco has come back to haunt me. I think the aliens are pissed off again.
Fidler
I imagine a world of love, peace, and no wars. Then I imagine myself attacking that place because they would never expect it!
I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!
M. Weaver, 1998 in the middle of a three day binge
Dont steal, the government hates competition.
All employees: Please piss on your hands before returning to work; the water here is filthy.
Bathroom wall
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.The way into a woman's soul is through her eyes and the way into her heart is through her mind.
The way into a man's soul is through his mouth, and the way into his heart is through his pants.
Katie Santo
Satan is a dork.
Tom Wright
You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same!
Daniel Knode
It's not cheating unless you get caught.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Voltaire (and how right he still is)
Even hot girls have to fart.
Dana Eldon
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams
Show me a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put his pants on.
Today in my World History class, a student said, "Well, we thought that by mentioning the East Indies, you meant the British East India Company". To which the Teacher promptly replied "Ah, so you were mislead by stupidity".I've had a wonderfull evening, but this wasn't it.
Mr Handler
Groucho Marx
Girls are like slugs. They serve some purpose but it's hard to imagine what.
Calvin and Hobbes
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.
While at a nursing home I overheard a young boy talking to a vetran of WWII. The boy asked what had happened to his leg. The old man looked up and said, "When your mom tells you not to pick at it, listen to her."
Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions...
Woody Allen
I'm an angel! honest! The horns are just there to hold up the halo.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!
Darlin', I'd walk three miles over broken glass in bare feet to kiss the ass of the dog that pissed on the hubcap of the truck that took your panties to the cleaners!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit!
We are all worms. But I do believe that I am a glowworm.
Winston Churchill
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
I owed the government $3,400 in taxes, so I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.
Stephen Wright
Trying is the first step towards faliure.
Homer Simpson
Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
Bumper Sticker
'Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Snore, and you sleep alone.'
You're not doing anything wrong until you get caught.
Anonymous
If my theory of relativity is proven correct, Germany will claim me as a German and France will declare that I am a citizen of the world. Should my theory prove untrue, France will say that I am a German and Germany will declare that I am a Jew.
Albert Einstein
A girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the sun can kiss the grass... But you, my friend, can kiss my ass.
In days of old when knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They'd pop a sock upon their cock
And babies were prevented
I have lots of friends; you just can't see them.
Shirt
Marge: Where do you keep going at night Homer?
Homer: Oh Marge, I'm not going to lie to you. Well goodbye.
The Simpsons
Please do not write on the walls. Thank You!
- Management
Restroom Grafitti
Editor: A person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
That is like asking the square root of a billion, the world may never know
Nelson, from The Simpsons
You know you're child is stupid when he looks at a picture of himself and says, "Hey that's the guy in the mirror."
David Letterman
A Proof that Girls are Evil
First we state that girls require time and money:
Girls = Time x Money
And as we all know, "Time is Money"
Time = Money
Therefore:
Girls = Money x Money = (Money)²
And because "Money is the root of all evil":
Money = Square Root of Evil
Therefore:
Girls = √(Evil)²
Thus, we are forced to conclude that:
Girls = Evil
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned.
The road to sucess is always under construction.
In days of old when knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented
They'd pop a sock upon their cock
And babies were prevented
UK school toilet graffitti
I have lots of friends; you just can't see them.
Shirt
Marge: Where do you keep going at night Homer?
Homer: Oh Marge, I'm not going to lie to you. Well goodbye.
The Simpsons
Please do not write on the walls. Thank You!
- Management
Restroom Grafitti
Editor: A person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
So I hope Neil's feeling a little fiesty tonight. Speaking of fiesty, some asshole put our table right there, next to the Ticketmaster table right there. I'm predicting a food fight by the end of the night.
Eddie Vedder speaking at Neil Young's induction into the R&R Hall of Fame, Jan'95
I love you period. Do you love me question mark? Please please exclamation point! (I wanna hold you in parenthesis)
Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Homer Simpson
Work harder. Millions on welfare are depending on you.
Bumper Sticker
What is it like having three kids under 5 years old? Well it is kind of like a frat house: nobody sleeps, everything is broken, and there is a lot of throwing up.
Everybody Loves Raymond
If you smoke in our restaurant, we will assume that you are on fire and take the proper precautions.
Virna's Karaoke Restaurant
The three stages of sex: Tri-weekly, try weekly, and try weakly.
Mommy, after I'm done eating my vegetables, where do I put their wheelchairs?
T-Shirt
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
Mark Twain, Huckleberry Finn
When I was in 7th grade my mom caught me smoking cigarettes and punished me by making me smoke the entire carton. All it did was piss me off because I was out of cigarettes.
Alecia "Pink" Moore
I've had a great time, but this wasn't it.
Groucho Marx
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction then all the rest, and people who met him were always impressed by how unimpressive he was.
Catch 22
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
Ernest Benn
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
Poul Anderson
Whoever said anything is possible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
Interviewer: I think that if you wanted to make top ten hits and sell millions of records you could. Frank Zappa: Yeah, but who wants to go through life with a tiny nose and one glove on.
Frank Zappa
Nothing's so apt to undermine your confidence in a product as knowing that the commercial selling it has been approved by the company that makes it.
Franklin P Jones
A non-smoking section in a restaurant is the same as a non-peeing section in a swimming pool.Thanks to
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